THE NEW COLLEGE OF BUFFALO KNOWLEDGE
In all the discussions of new economies, cultural tourism and the rise of the creative class, it's time to roll up our sleeves and promote those things which we as a community do exceptionally well. Yes, we have UB and Buff State, but I'm talking about a true College of Buffalo Knowledge. Imagine for a moment a course catalogue like no other.
OBSTRUCTION AS ART
Elevate the ability to inflict the will of few on all. Turn obscure and ancient regulations into a virtual progress meat grinder. Stop major projects cold with one politically connected phone call.
Prerequisites: No children and/or commitment to any type of future for anyone. Strong sense of self-supremacy.
OBFUSCATION FOR MASTERS
You too can turn a mired and miserable, two-year public/private boondoogle into a proud 30-day ultimatum once you have mastered the art of contextual reframing. Experience the delirium of the town that celebrated four consecutive Superbowls. Stand proudly when you say we gave the nation two presidents and only shot one.
Prerequisites: Glib tongue. No conscience.
ACRONYM ELEVATION
Use the obscurity of initials to establish new standards in incompetence. Not doing so well in the field of public transportation, no problem. Just jump into the waterfront development business and use your tax-payer supported pulpit to knock off private enterprise.
Prerequisites: Extreme moral and political flexibility.
SOOTHSAYING FOR DUMMIES
Forget Lily Dale and all those pesky alternative life forces. With a podium, mult-box and press release you can gather a supplicant media to announce your version of the future regardless of funding, practicality or actual plans. Create jobs, tear down highways, build bridges, scrape the sky – or just say you will.
Prerequisites: Sharp suit and the ability to retain the first name of at least one reporter.
INDICTMENT SKATING
The biggest game to hit town since Broomball. Take it to the edge of the precipice and smile. Lecturers include a bevy of Buffalo business barons and politicos with a special appearance by The Juice.
Prerequisites: Absolute conviction you won't be convicted.
And the best part of the plan – no tuition for Western New Yorkers.
We've been paying for years!
Photo: queenseyes
Will a prerequisite be the wearing of the Armchair Architect t-shirt? hahahahahahaha
And this post helps to encourage constructive debate and discussion that will help Buffalo Rise, how?
did you happen to watch the colbert report last night. this reminds me of his harvard segment.
nice picture...
There is some merit to this article, but the generalization depicted is also full of inaccuracies. The will of the few is inflicted on on all every time a tax dollar is spent on private business, cultural & non-profit organizations and government programs that resdistributes people earned capital.
> Turn obscure and ancient regulations into a virtual progress
> meat grinder.
You could shut down EVERY business in Buffalo simply by enforcing §378-5 of Buffalo's Municipal Code. EVERY business.
D. Every corporation, proprietor or other person owning, operating or controlling any store, factory, theater or other building or room which is used in common by the public or any depot or railroad station shall provide a sufficient number of nonabsorbent receptacles for expectoration and shall provide for the thorough cleansing and disinfection thereof at least once in twenty-four (24) hours.
Also, let's check out those bookstores and close 'em down if they're selling any books on fortune-telling.
§ 196-1. Sale of materials prohibited.
No person shall sell or offer for sale any book, pamphlet, leaflet, circular or card on fortune-telling or the giving of instructions on how to tell fortunes.
Yawn.
How about -
IVORY TOWER APPRECIATION 101
Learn the art of convincing people the real difficulties facing their lives stem from the poor architectural decisions made in the city's most affluent and up-and-coming neighborhoods. Observe how the masters pay lip service to an entire metropolitan area by focusing almost exclusively on the "window dressing" of a few neighborhoods, conveniently pushing poverty, education, crime, etc. under the rug.
Prerequisites: An internet connection.
This kind of stuff happens in most cities, not just Buffalo.
I'm told that ability to laugh at yourself is one of the indicators of mental health. Nice bit of satire, Millie. Wish I'd thought of it!
Having said that, I'm with Hamp. We are devoutly committed to the proposition that we are uniquely dysfunctional in Buffalo. Like the rest of the world is a paradise without government corruption or corporate welfare or a self-serving power elite or high taxes or suburban sprawl or drug shootings--and then you cross the city line and you enter the sole surviving pit of urban pathology.
Ain't true.
Spandrel, are you are saying we should settle we should just settle for what we have instead of trying to make it right, just because others may also experience the same injustices? I thought we broke away from King George for a reason.
No, Mike, I'm not saying we should throw in the towel. Quite the contrary. I think our activism would be more effective if we abandoned the cherished fantasy that we're *especially* and *uniquely* dysfunctional and that beyond our borders, the rest of the country is paradise.
Believing that you alone suffer from a horrible problem and no one else has it never helped propel anyone towards mental health.
i like ivory tower appreciation 101...